“Hypervigilance is a state of being constantly on guard and alert to potential danger. It’s a natural survival mechanism that can be triggered by trauma, abuse, or other stressful events.“
Symptoms:
- *Feeling like you’re constantly under threat* – me!
- Difficulty sleeping
- Increased heart rate
- Quick breathing
- Restlessness
- Sweating
- Overreactions to sounds
- Argumentative or combative behavior
- Difficulty concentrating
One day I went for a jog and part of my route was down a lane which started in our village, it goes via a farm and ends up on an open road. I am no runner, I can jog for a bit but definitely could not out run a murderer or someone who was going to try and kidnap me. I doubt some people would compare their running speed to their final destination ending but the reason for this outcome was because as I jogged down the lane and my brain screamed out at me that there was someone hiding in the bush and he was going to jump out on me and take me away. He was going to bundle me in to the boot of a car and I’d be gone. Vanished. No ransom or anything of value, just taken because why not. No one would ever find me, my battery was low so I couldn’t share my location for long, I didn’t have any keys on me to help defend myself and my headphones were wireless so no hope in even trying to use the wire to strangle him. Just me, accepting my fate, the woman who went for a jog and never came home. I didn’t go down this route again.
One day I went food shopping to our local Waitrose, it has a small multi story carpark and I parked on the top floor which is open air. I went in and purchased all our usual crap, being sure not to take the lift up as I was scared my coat would get caught and I’d be hung by the doors or the wires which made it go up and down would snap and I would plummet to my death before I even made it to the shop floor. My poor family would be starving and I’d be a splat at the bottom of a lift shaft.
After my shopping was done I took a deep breath and got the lift down. It was only 1 floor, there were other people in there too so it would have to be really bad luck if we all came crashing down together. I got to the car and loaded the shopping in the boot, as I walked away to put the shopping trolley back I pressed the door lock button on my key about 6 times hoping that while I stepped away no one could take the opportunity to jump in and hide. But what if I had clicked the lock button too many times and it did the opposite and opened the car and now there was someone waiting for me inside? Shit! I got in a did a check and it was fine so I locked the doors and drove off. As I was driving down the A24 towards our village I suddenly remembered I didn’t check the foot well. What if someone had snuck into the car while I was putting the trolley back even though I was certain I had locked it, multiple times, and someone managed to get in and hide down there?!?!?! Just to be clear I was in a Toyota GR Yaris and there was no chance a fully grown human was going to fit behind the seat without me knowing about it – but at that particular time my brain told me it was happening and some strange man was going to appear in my rear view mirror and strangle me with a bungee cord! I was so freaked out I had to pull over breath through my panic attack and check behind the seats. Safe to say it was all clear.
One day I was following a truck with scaffolding poles stacked up on the back. There was no traffic however my brain told me to keep my distance because the driver was going to slam on the breaks and there I would be, like a scene out of Casualty with scaffolding poles catapulted through my windscreen and impaled through my chest.
One day I was on the train and there was a man, he was tapping his knee and breathing suspiciously. That’s it, game over I panicked so much I had to move carriages before he blew up my 17:54 to Dorking!
One day I was chewing my food and I thought I was going to choke to death, while I was drinking my drink I thought I was going to choke to death, while breathing I thought I was going to choke – to death.
I would sit there and think about it so much and worry about what would happen if, I forgot how to breath, then I would get stuck in a spiral of breathing too fast and heavy, so would make my head spin and then, breathing too slowly so I was dizzy and then I would have a panic attack. My panic attacks would give me chest pains and I would think I was going to have a heart attack. If I wasn’t breathing like a weirdo I was grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw which was wearing down my teeth and giving me a headache and then I would think I had a brain tumor. It all sounds insane but I couldn’t stop, every single thing felt like a constant threat. I was a walking ticking time bomb – almost certain that every day was a risk and I should just plan my own funeral now or not leave the house. Ever. If I didn’t eat, drink or breath I should be safe.
One day we decided we had to turn it around. I couldn’t be scared to live anymore, I had just as much chance of being ok as I had of not being ok and as long as I chose to show up and go places then if the worst was going to happen at least I could say I tried. After all I would have to be really unfortunate to be struck by lightning or kidnapped or fall off a cliff or forget how to breath xoxo
